Open letter to Emerson Etem

FUCK YOU! Only we can say that about our city.

Plug the Leak

Who dat?

ESPN.com

So Drew Brees is going to be on the cover of Madden 11. Ha! I knew winning a Super Bowl was going to give Brees an ego. He's another one of those quarterbacks who thinks he can escape the "Madden Curse."

On his twitter account, he tweeted or twittled (or whatever the fuck it's called) the following message:

"Here's what I have to say about the Madden curse: Destiny is more powerful than a curse. Whatever is meant to be will happen. Faith."

Yeah, well the "destiny" for the most recent Super Bowl-winning quarterback will involve having his ACL, PCL, ABC, and DEF blown the fuck up on national television when the Saints host the Vikings to open up the 2010 season.

Faith, eh? Yeah, I have faith you'll be regretting being on the cover of Madden once you're on the I.R.

Douche bag.

Vikings at Saints

Thursday, September 9

8:30pm EST

NBC

BTW, Does anyone know if Steve McNair was ever on the cover of Madden?

In a perfect world...(Updated)

It's no secret I am a fan of cheesy 80's music. Like, when I bike around the block on my Huffy, I totally get myself all jacked up to the beat of Europe's "The Final Countdown" just like Ben Roethlisberger does when he's been drinking and sees a banging hot chick that doesn't want to fuck him.

Which brings me to my point...

In a perfect world, this kid is unequivocally considered the fucking man. I'm talking about chicks wanting to suck him off just because he entered the room. Everyone would know who he was, and they would want to be at parties he was at. Maybe he would even be able to go on tours opening up for Bruce Springsteen. He would have his own V.I.P. room where chicks would line up to enter into just to ride this hell out of this kid's gigantic hoss.

Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. It's like dude, get a clue. Chicks don't dig dudes who fucking film themselves playing some sort of banjo/piano/kazoo thing. Fucking Loser.

Update: After watching this video again, I'm thinking this kid has to be autistic. If that is the case, I totally take back everything I just said.

Ben Roethlisberger, 2 Time Superbowl Champion, (Accused) Rapist, Gets Slapped with Six-Game Suspension; Officially On Trading Block

(Photo: "I have been accused of raping two chicks and beating the shit out of one of them and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.")

nfl.com

Summary of nfl.com article:

Ben Roethlisberger, two-time (accused) rapist, woman beater, has been suspended by Roger Goodell for six games. The Steelers are now openly shopping the quarterback in an attempt to draft Sam Bradford with the top pick in Thursday night's draft. The problem is, however, that nobody seems interested in the quarterback.

I really don't have anything clever to say about this, but I have to applaud Commissioner Goodell for really slapping Roethlisberger in the face with Goodell's commissioner-sized cock via the six game suspension. I mean talk about the ultimate mushroom tattoo sqare on Big Ben's sugically repaired face.

Fuckin' dirtbag.

When did Phil Mickelson Lose his Man Boobs?

(Clockwise from upper-left: Phil Mickelson with man boobs, Phil Mickelson with no man boobs, Amy & Phil Mickelson)

Phil Mickelson has a beautiful wife. I mean she isn’t hot in an “I-want-to-bang-you-from-behind-while-giving-you-the-fishhook-and-finish-it-off-with-a-donkey-punch” type of way. It’s more in an “I-want-to-marry-you-and-love-you-and-make-lots-of-babies-with-you” type of way. He is an inspiration to everyone with man boobs who wants to land a similar piece of Grade A Certified Angus Beef ass.

So naturally it occurred to me while watching man-boob Phil putting on the 9^th green a few years ago that I should abandon my quest to get in shape by riding my Huffy around the block to grow man boobs so I can land a beautiful chick a la Phil Mickelson.

Hello Mighty Taco, Tim Horton’s, Bobbos Tacos and wings from Mammosers. And hello bitch tits! Oh, and hello beautiful woman.

BOOM! Then I watch this year’s Masters Tournament and it felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. They show Phil Mickelson and it appears that he has decided that he is sick of having man boobs and has lost like 5,000 pounds in each tit.

Uhm, what the fuck, man? Thanks for the notice. You could have told me via cryptic message or some shit like that.

Phil losing his man boobs leaves me with so many unanswered questions. Is it possible that his wife didn’t dig the man boobs? Or is Phil actually a dirt bag searching for an “I-want-you-to-bang-me-from-behind-while-giving-me-the-fishhook-and-finish-it-off-by-you-giving-me-a-golden-shower” type of woman a la Tiger Woods?

I think I will start riding the Huffy around the block again. If man boobs are not good enough for Phil Mickelson, then man boobs ought not be good enough for D.P!

NYS Attorney General Uses Position for Political Payback

WGRZ

"ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) -- Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada Jr. accused Attorney General Andrew Cuomo of using a civil lawsuit against him as political payback for the Bronx politician's role in a Senate coup last summer.

Espada accused Cuomo of encouraging the partisan political coup, which froze New York state government last summer for more than a month.

His accusations came the same day Cuomo announced a lawsuit accusing Espada of siphoning $14 million from his government-funded clinic in the Bronx for lavish restaurant meals, trips to Las Vegas and his own campaign.

Espada refused to comment on the suit, except to say that he would address the issues in court. Espada also accused Cuomo of wiretapping his home.

A spokesman for Cuomo declined to comment on Espada's accusations."

Ah, the old "I-organized-a-senate-coup-which-stalled-state-government-for-over-a-month-and-now-the-attorney-general-is-using-his-position-to-call-me-out-on-using-$14-million-of-state-funds-for-meals-and-trips-and-campaigns" defense. If I had a penny for every single time I heard this excuse, I would be wiping my ass with $100 dollar bills.

That being said, let's think about this for a second. Pedro has a good point. The majority leader of the Senate Democrats has gone above and beyond the call of duty. Not only does he serve in the senate, he also runs a healthcare clinic for poor people with taxpayer's money. Give this guy a medal.

"But Dick, he used $14 million for expensive meals, trips and for his campaign account!"

Okay, so all of a sudden it's a crime to eat? The last time I checked everyone eats food. You can't travel? Uhm, how do you think I got to work today? I TRAVELED here on my Huffy. Oh, and let us not forget that the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are allowed to donate to campaigns. Am I going to be the next person to be targeted by the attorney general?

Fuck that.

Buffalo Bills projected to draft Jimmy Clausen

espn.com:

9. Buffalo Bills
Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

Clausen is NFL-ready, his toe injury is healed and he has played in cold weather. Clausen has also displayed a strong arm, which the Bills need for those windy days in Buffalo. Clausen played for a head coach in college who is an excellent mentor for quarterbacks. Quarterbacks always drive up draft boards late in the process.

Pretty much every single mock draft I have seen has the Bills projected to draft Jimmy Clausen, which makes absolutely zero sense. The Buffalo Bills have more unfulfilled needs on their depth chart than my girlfriend – and that includes quite a desire for depth.

The brain trust at One Bills Drive drafting Clausen 9^th overall is akin to building a million-dollar home on some sort of fucking floating raft in the middle of Lake Erie: it’s going to sink. They first need to build a solid foundation through an offensive line that doesn't suck ass (read: that isn’t like the Bills’ current O-line).

Furthermore, let’s not forget that Clausen hasn’t proved a fucking thing during his stint at Norte Dame. His record as a starter is 16-18. I don’t give a shit about his individual stats either. The dude is a proven loser.

This brings me to my ideal wet dream that has the Bills taking a left tackle with the 9^th overall pick, and then trading up into the bottom of the first round to draft Tim Tebow. I don’t really know Tebow’s individual stats, but I do know that he is a national champion quarterback (and a beautiful, beautiful man). I am not saying we start him right away, but the dude is a player. Let him hold the clip board for one season as Trent Edwards gets his shit pushed in as we develop a solid offensive line with Edwards under center.

Also, let’s not ignore the fact that Jimmy Clausen looks like one of the fucking Gotti brothers. Fuck him. This isn’t the Jersey shore. That shit doesn’t fly in Buffalo. And I'm glad his toe injury has healed. What a fucking pussy.

Chan Ho Poo

Busy Planet

This video tracks air travel traffic over a 24-hour period. While there are regions, like North America and Europe...pretty busy planet.....

Blow Your Mind on the Double Down.

A while back I began a self imposed ban on KFC for myself. Mostly due to the fact that they had rats running around the kitchens, the sloppiest of the sloppy when it comes to workers behind the counter and an overall unsatisfied feeling with their product. Things may have just changed for me and I now find myself seriously considering lifting the embargo against KFC. Similiar to the US/Cuba ban (although based in actual substance), I have been steadfast un-supporter of KFC, but their new line of sandwich may change that very, very soon.

It's called the KFC Double Down and it looks freakin phenominal.

Bing Bong----HELLO!!

While somewhat high in calories, it's no more than any other Big Mac/Whopper type infusion of fat. Plus, unlike those sandwiches, this actually has bacon. Bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon.

Oooooooooooooo.....

Who doesn't like Gus Johnson?

Getting Fatter, Faster

McDonald's might need to enlist its Big Mouth Billy Bass Singing Fish, made famous in its TV ads, to "bring back" that fish one impatient customer took at its restaurant in South Brunswick, N.J.

Police said the customer crawled out of his car and into the drive thru window to get his fish sandwich, after slapping the McDonald's employee in the face.

"His Filet-O-Fish was taking too long at 4:30 in the morning," said South Brunswick Police Detective Sergeant James Ryan to NBCNewYork.

According to Ryan, the customer yelled at the employee and pushed him against the counter.

5 days....5 hours.....Secrets....no secrets....whatever....